Bigender, Androgynous and Gender Fluid Gender Identities

Not male, not female but a delightful combination, truly the best of all worlds. in addition to my bisexual orientation I also identify as androgynous and bigender. Our gender, how we identify and present ourselves on the masculine feminine continuum, is different from our sexual orientation and who we are attracted to. Just as there is a bisexual sexual orientation that covers an entire range of sexual and emotional attractions but are neither 100% straight all the time or 100% gay all the time there is also a bigender gender identity where we are neither 100% male nor 100% female all the time irrespective of the sex we were assigned at birth. Also like being a bisexual there is no one definition of what it means to be bigender, androgynous or gender fluid these are aspects of our gender identity that requires having a conversation. Interestingly variations in gender identity are not new . Native Americans have centuries of honoring those in their tribe who are “two spirited. ” In parts of Mexico the Muxe are an established third gender with an accepted place in society.

Most of us still live in a society that wants to neatly classify us as either a man or a women. That is ones anatomy, our male/female sex, needs to match our male/female gender identity and that we should therefore have a gender role with behavior that matches our sex and gender by acting like a man or a women according to our biological sex. . This gender role development starts at an early age as our mothers dress us in blue or in pink outfits. When she was pregnant with me my birth mother wrote often about the little girl she was carrying and how she wanted a pink layette ,it was if she was willing me to be a girl irrespective of what science might have dictated. As a child I learned early on there were clear expectations as to male behaviors and female behaviors and expectations. Boys were rough and tough and outside while the girls were inside playing house and having teddy bear teas. Well this boy much preferred the teddy bear tea. My idea of fun was sewing a sleeping bag for my doll.

During my teenage years I found myself out and out rejecting the male role that society expected of me. I didn’t like being aggressive. I wanted to have deep meaningful conversations about our social interactions. In short I decided at a very early age that I much preferred the female approach to life. I even wrote several papers in college that our world would be a better place if men became more androgynous and let their feminine side out. Anyway women always seemed comfortable around the more feminine Mark and I was often even included on the “ladies night out”. It is easy for me to be just one of the girls.

My male friends were a different story they didn’t quite know what to make of me. There was a disconnect between who I was expected to be , the all American male , and who I acted like, your typical stereotypical female. Imagine my dismay when even my teachers and coaches used to make fun of my girly girl persona, it wasn’t uncommon to hear “ you run like a girl”, or” you sissy”. Or “act like a man” Unlike the difficulties I experienced accepting my sexual orientation I have always been comfortable with my inner women. The snide comments hurt but not enough to change who I was. Ill be the first to admit I am different but there is nothing wrong with not fitting in someones else s gender box.

I often hear doesn’t everyone have a feminine side and a masculine side to their personality, yes to some extent , but with some of us it is very different. I feel I was born bigendered or combination of being male and female. Who I feel like as a man or women ebbs and flows. There are days where I truly feel I have woken up as a women and my whole outlook on life is feminine. Other days I feel a little more masculine and yes even within the day the frilly girly girl skip to my step in the morning becomes a much more refined guys guy by afternoon One thing that makes my being bigender different from other transgender identities is most days I have no desire to actually change my physical sex from male to female. While some transgender people feel trapped in their opposite gender body I enjoy being a women in a mans body. Although there are days that I feel a women’s body would be more appropriate for who I am the fact that my gender ebbs and flows means in reality I should just leave well enough alone. When I took a gender identity test the results all said you are androgynous with prominent traits of both genders so the test recommended play with your gender but be very wary of doing anything permanent and I agree. If I could throw a switch and change back and forth I would but I know that any kind of surgery would leave me longing to be back the way I was. As I opened this post its not either/or, it truly is a delightful combination of the best of what it means to be both male and female. . Although some use the term gender fluid as synonymous with bigender and androgynous I use gender fluid to describe the ebb and flow aspect of my gender variations. Those of us with variations in gender identity have very individual evolutions so it is important to have a conversation and not get caught up in label usage. Bigender to me means I fall somewhere on the gender continuum , gender fluid reflects that where I fall on that gender continuim that varies over time and androgynous for me reflects the blurring of the male female aspects of who I am to become some sort of third gender.

I do admit that I am frustrated by a society that does not recognize this third gender. If only society accepted and understood that it is not simply a matter of male female, there is a broad spectrum of gender identities and a wide variety of who we wish to be perceived as. When I am with women I want to be just one of the girls, when I am with men I want to be liked and respected for who I am . I feel frustrated in day to day life that the woman in me is invisible. Our society is locked in the gender binary so there is no easy way for me to express my gender variety. On the days that I wake up all women I can throw on a pink shirt but that’s about as far as it goes. Those who know me well can then properly connect the gender to the person they are talking to but the rest of the world simply doesn’t know.

It is important to understand that as we become more comfortable with variations in gender identity that some also want to be recognized as the individual they are by abandoning traditional gender pronouns . Some stick with the he/ she him / her that match their sex at birth, others use the pronoun that matches their gender of the moment , some use they/ them and others use no gender specific pronouns like zi,zir in all cases part of accepting the individual nature of variations in gender identity is also accepting individual requests to respect how others address you. If someone asks you to use a specific pronoun you show love compassion and understanding of your fellow human beings by honoring their request no matter how unusual it may seem. As for me, my feminine side has her own personified identity which I write about in more detail in the post Emily’s Turn. So for me he/him and she/her works just fine.

Well this turned into quite a ramble on gender, It is an unusual way to live so I can only imagine how hard it is to understand for those who are not living it themselves.

There may be some sort of relationship between gender identity, that is if we identify as male or female and sexual orientation that is who we are attracted to but they are also two distinct developmental issues. In my case I ended up dealing with both . How they inter relate with me is an article for another day.

This post was published October 23,2009 and  updated August 10, 2018

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