Emily who? Most who know me know that in addition to being bisexual I am also bigender. Our sexual orientation and gender identity are two different things. Some bisexual men identify as 100% male, a small subset of us though also have a gender variation. This is an updated version of a previous post on being bigender, androgynous and genderfluid so my apologies for repeating some of this. This is a journey not a destination so it is good to revisit and do sort of a check-in once in a while. Mark is not a feminine name so I searched out a name to describe my feminine side and Emily it is. Having a male name and a female name or gender neutral name is common among those of us whose gender ebbs and flows. It will seem strange to those who have no idea what its like to move around on the male/female gender continuum but for those of us who live with a fluid gender having a gender neutral or two names is quite natural. I will say this is a complicated way to live so imagine how complicated it must be to explain.
In short whatever it is that gives us the sense of being a boy or girl or man or woman came out very different with me. I was born male but inside have always felt more like a girl or woman. My mother wrote letters about my gender while she was carrying me so she knew something was up with her “daughter” even before I was born. From a very early age the inner me was more female then male.When we played house I loved to play the housewife I would wrap a towel around my waist and prance around as queen for the day. I never outgrew this inner woman and even now many days I want to let my inner woman out to play. How feminine or masculine I feel ebbs and flows and I long ago gave up trying to control it.
I dress completely as a woman only occasionally. Most of the time I have more subtle ways of letting my feminine side out, shaving body hair, wearing woman’s shorts, pink shirts and in general clothing that is more unisex then clothing that shouts why is that guy wearing woman’s clothes. When I was a teenager I had hair almost to my waist. People thought I was a hippie but the reality was my long flowing locks down my back as I walked down the beach made me feel so girly girl. Along with my growing self acceptance of bisexuality has been acceptance of my bigenderness and my inner woman and I probably will start adding a more feminine touch on those days when Emily wants to be more visible and as people around me become more comfortable with it.
Why do I feel the need to be outwardly more feminine? It is because the invisibility is an issue for me. By way of example when I feel all girly girl and I am talking with a group of woman I get all animated and I’m laughing and giggling just one of the girls and then all of a sudden a wave of recognition comes over one of the woman I am talking with and I get this wait hes not one of us. In an instant the spiritedness of the conversation ramps back down to typical mixed company banter. Its hard to explain but its like I was the only one not invited to the party. When I feel like a woman I want people to look at me as a woman instead all they see is a guy.
This is almost an impossible feeling to describe but to me its very real. Don’t get me wrong I also love my male body, which is why transitioning was never an option for me. What is boils down to is I am emotionally attracted to woman but sexually attracted to men and I am internally a woman while externally a man BUT all of them switch around at times and not necessarily in sync. So I can feel like a woman and be attracted to woman, I can feel like a woman and be attracted to men , I can be a man attracted to men and a man attracted to women, I tell people I am L AND G AND B AND T depending upon the moment . I would have gone broke having the psychiatric profession try and straighten me out so I just enjoy the ride. The really is nothing wrong with me I was simply born wired a little different. The problem is with the 90% of society that figures they know how 100% of society should live. At least for now those that know me well know that when Im wearing pink its girly girl day, I still answer to Mark but Emily is one happy girl.
I do wish that society was kinder to those of us who are gender fluid I should be able to walk out of the house for the day wearing whatever outfit I feel like and in a perfect world no one should say boo.
M-
