A recurring theme on the various mixed orientation marriage support groups is the idea by the straight spouse that the only acceptable sexual orientation is heterosexual and anything else is a perversion or something “broken” that can be “ fixed”. I try and avoid absolutes but in my opinion straight partner acceptance of our bisexuality is very close to an absolute requirement towards mixed orientation marriage success. This article in no way is meant to take away from the straight spouses pain ,anger or sorrow about learning their spouse is bi or gay it is a narrowly focused discussion on bisexual/gay acceptance of our identity nothing more. While this post probably belongs in the mixed orientation marriage support section of livingfabulous.org it speaks of the need for a broader acceptance of bisexuality by society at large so for now Ill keep it here.

I am very fortunate that I have successfully shed decades of shame and now fully accept my bisexuality and same sex attraction as a perfectly normal part of who I am. Like many who have traveled this journey I know I looked for acceptance of me just the way I am and was blessed by overwhelming compassion acceptance and understanding by all those I love. I know many bisexuals who are still struggling who desperately need that same support and acceptance from the ones they love.

First and foremost we need to separate the identity of bisexual from our actions as a bisexual. As I am so fond of saying bisexual is who I am not what I do. The basic acceptance of who I am is not the same as asking to accept a level of sexual activity. In other words I am not asking the straight spouse or others to blindly accept a path of casual hookups, friend with benefits or anything goes open marriage. That is a whole separate discussion and one that is much better suited once there is an acceptance and understanding of what it means to be bisexual. Some bisexuals are perfectly happy in monogamous marriages yet they still struggle with spouses who do not accept their bisexuality. Those of us who are bisexual know all too well that being bisexual or gay is who we are. Some of us have been this way as far back as we can remember. In the words of Lady Gaga we were born this way. If our bisexuality no matter where it may fall in the Kinsey or Klein continuum is immutable then to treat us with anything but acceptance and love is in itself disordered and broken. We are fine just the way we are. I have no problem with people disagreeing about how people act but to say who I am is not wonderful and to be embraced, I have a problem with that. Again we are speaking of identity here not behaviors.

Another comment I hear often from the straight spouse is a bisexual husband or wife is not what I signed up for why should I accept them they ask. We didn’t sign up for a world that hated people like us either. I was raised by my family, church and society that being gay was a choice and that choice and a bad choice at that. Being bisexual or gay was not an option I could choose. So based on societies demand I chose to be straight. I even shared with my wife to be before we were married “Honey I am bisexual but I am choosing you”, after all that was how I was taught it should work. I struggled for three decades before finally accepting that not only was who I am as a bisexual not a choice it is perfectly normal. If we had been accepted and treated with love and understanding from day one there would be no need for coming out, we would have been living our lives openly already.

In my lectures to young GLBT college students I talk about the importance of laying the framework for acceptance early in the relationship so that their relationship and subsequent marriages can be built on authentic integrity right from day one. The whole societal normal people are heterosexual everyone else is not, forced millions to try and be something they are not. The fact is no one I know intentionally mislead their spouses, we were simply following what we were told to be true . When we finally realize the lies society has told us and get the courage to live our remaining days authentically as the person we were born as there are many challenges. Those straight spouses who have recognized the injustice and accept us often will discover the loving person they married is indeed the person they signed up for. Gay lesbian and bisexual men and woman are amazing kind and wonderful people, we make great friends, partners, soul mates, wives and husbands. To love us just the way we are has nothing to do with what we do, it has everything to do with who we are. Once we are accepted then the work of finding what we need to be self-fulfilled bisexuals that our wives and husbands can also be happy with can begin. This is a process that takes time. Human emotions are not controlled by a light switch. There is a learning process but in time with open minds we can all learn from each other.

I highly recommend that anyone reading this who feels that GLBT people have some sort of disorder or who feels we are not normal everyday people find an experienced mental health professional who understands the real nature of being gay lesbian bisexual or transgender to help guide them towards a better acceptance and understanding . I am a huge fan of compromise to make mixed orientation marriages work but to me acceptance of our core identity is not negotiable. There are a lot of areas where there can be give and take but acceptance is not one of them.

I hope that anyone who disagrees with what I say here will think long and hard at the damage they are contributing to wonderful people who deserve to be loved and treated better. No one is telling the straight partner they have to stay married upon discovering their husband or wife is gay,lesbian,bisexual or transgender but stay or leave acceptance of who we are is at its root the compassionate way to right was has been an injustice of epic proportions. I truly recognize that the same hate filled society that forced us in the closet to begin with is also responsible for an equal injustice to be inflicted on the straight spouse but that is a topic for a different article.

It is OK to let go of old thinking, people gain new knowledge and new ways of looking at things all the time after all society once thought the world was flat and we all know how wrong that was.