Bisexual Sexual Orientation

... myths, stereotypes and reality.

 

When I start discussing bisexuality with the people I know  I find there is widespread confusion about exactly what it means to be bisexual. I can understand the confusion because if you were to put ten bisexuals in a room and ask them what it means to be bisexual you probably would receive ten different answers.

Perhaps the most widely accepted definition of a bisexual is someone who is sexually and/or romantically attracted to more than one gender. I believe noted bisexual educator  Robyn Ochs says it best when she says:

"I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” (Robyn Ochs)

Some bisexuals are emotionally  attracted to one gender and sexually attracted to another. Also being bisexual does not mean one is sexually attracted to different  genders equally. In addition gender is not always binary so bisexual attraction can transcend traditional male female gender and become more of an attraction to any combination of gender identities. it bears repeating nothing about bisexuality says it is sexual attraction to only men or women, it can be binary attraction to men and women  but it does not have to be.  Some bisexuals choose the pansexual identity to make clear their openess to the rich tapestry of gender.  Some pansexuals identify as both bisexual and pansexual because they understand  pansexuality is simply  a way that  people are bisexual. Some use "Bi+"  as an inclusive label that highlights the many ways we can be bisexual.

Many bisexuals also talk about the ebb and flow of their sexual attraction. Some days I am more attracted to women, other days men and on others it really is both and often a delightful combination of the best of what it means to be male and female suites me just fine. Some days this ebb and flow back and forth happens within minutes and for others days or weeks might go by. As some have discovered our sexual orientation can also be fluid and our attractions can  change over different periods of our lives.

 

There are also bisexuals who know they are sexually attracted to their same gender and other genders who never act on their attraction. They face frustration because well intentioned people question how one could know, there comes a point when bisexuals know who they are. There are some who do not believe bisexuals exist, they say that people claiming to be bisexual are actually confused and that they are actually gay but just wont admit it. This is an insult to those of us who have been bisexual our whole lives and who are happily married to a member of the opposite sex. I know exactly who I am and I am not on the fence. Then there are those that say as a bisexual “I am just greedy”, “I want the best of both worlds” , or “I want my cake and eat it too”. I am not sure exactly what is wrong with that. I was born to enjoy all the world has to offer. Why is it a bad thing that I was not limited to just half the world population. My life as a bisexual is complicated and it does have challenges but I do not see anything inherently wrong with being attracted to men and woman and all the other wonderful ways gender presents itself. When sexual orientation was first being studied in the late 1800’s it was thought that homosexuality was a result of a mixup in our gender. In other words a male who was attracted to men was really a female identified male attracted to men. Gender identity, that is how we identify as male , female, bigender, androgynous, genderfluid etc.  and sexual orientation that is who we are attracted to are two distinct but often interrelated aspects of who we are. I happen to be bigender,androgynous, genderfluid AND  bisexual but there are plenty of bisexuals who solidly identify as the gender they were born as. This speaks to the importance of having a conversation to really get to know your friends and family who are bisexual.

Some bisexuals integrate who they are into a single identity with various degrees of attraction to a tapestry of genders. Others compartmentalize or split there identity so that they have a straight heterosexual sense of self and a gay side. I believe that having a straight side and gay side is more a result of societal repression than any desire to keep the lives separate.My hope is that someday we will be accepted just as we are and it will become easier to integrate myself into just simply being bi. In closing as a bisexual I am who I am. I did not choose to be this way. Bisexual identity is no more just about sex then heterosexual identity is just about sex. It is simply who were are.

I view the bisexual identity as an umbrella identity inclusive of all different ways one can be bisexual. Our sexuality is full of paradox one can identify as bisexual without engaging in bisexual behavior  and one can identify as anything but bisexual and still be bisexual in behavior. This often happens with men married to women who choose the gay identity even as they continue to have healthy happy sexual relatiosnhips with their wives.  They adopt the gay identity ie "I'm gay"  yet they are clearly bisexual in behavior. My hope is that as people better understand what it means to be bisexual that people will be more willing to adopt the bisexual lable for their identity.

As is evident from the examples cited here there continues to be widespread  confusion about what it means to be bisexual.  This is why it is important for us to be out and visible because as people of all sexual orientations get to know more bisexuals their understanding and acceptance will follow.

 

 

Published Thu, 31 Mar 2011 with most recent update  2017

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