Coming out to those we love is often an experience full of anxiety and fears of rejection. We imagine all the different possible outcomes and in the end we still manage to be surprised. We often speak of the power of unconditional love. This powerful force allows those who love us to do so no matter what. A lot of people are still struggling with their own negative belief system about homosexuality and may maintain underlying biphobia towards bisexuals.
This conflict between biphobia and unconditional love can result in some complicated interpersonal relationships. We come out and we get the “we love you just the way you are message” and we breath a huge sigh of relief. Not so fast, sometimes we learn that the acceptance from the person we love is more a function of unconditional love than acceptance of ourselves as gay, bisexual ,lesbian or transgender. This results in a race to change belief systems to more positive understanding about who we are before we cross lines of acceptability that comes about simply by living our life.
This crossing the line of real acceptance has proven a challenge in my own life because as I become more comfortable with who I am I am discovering some of those around me are not sharing in that same joy. Its a “we love you just the way you are just don’t be who you are. ” mixed message. I can not control other peoples feelings, I can educate, be a positive role model but at the end of the day changing attitudes about sexual and gender diversity needs to come from within those we love. I can change my behavior but I needed to be aware of this phenomenon first, if it has came back to bite me I’m sure there are others.
For now I am using a cognitive approach to dealing with this biphobia, when I detect that the person I am with maintains a hostile attitude about gender and sexual minorities I revert to the less than ideal situation of leaving that aspect of myself out of my presence with that person. I think that is very sad but in the end it is a choice they have made, my being out to begin with has given them the opportunity to embrace all of me or return to the half of me they knew before. I have hopes that as societies thinking evolves that those who I love who still have a ways to go on the journey of acceptance will continue to grow and evolve and I look forward to the day when they too can share in all we have to offer,
Posted Sat, 04 May 2013
